See, Brazil considered capoeira to be their dominant martial art, until the Gracie family came along. Capoeira looks cool in Tekken, yet on the mean beaches of Brazil, it was exposed for being impractical. There’s just nothing tough about the art of dance fighting, no matter what Only The Strong would lead us to believe. Legendary sumo champion Akebono got tangled up in a shoulder lock by pioneer Royce Gracie, and sumo went back to the cafeteria with the other dorks. In fact, sumo is so ineffective, it’s been almost 10 years since the art was represented in a legitimate mixed fight. With his legs completely trapped, Takase hit Yarborough a few times, and an exhausted Yarborough tapped out like he just picked on the wrong little guy to cut in front of in the buffet line. After sloppily trying to grab hold of Takase, Yarborough implemented the dreaded smother on the ground. A few years later in Japan, Emmanuel Yarborough tested his 600-pounds against 170-pound Daiju Takase. Take UFC 1 back in November 1993, where Dutch Savate fighter Gerard Gordeau kicked Telia Tuli so hard, Tuli’s teeth lodged into Gordeau’s foot.

You’d probably think having nearly 400-pounds on a guy is an advantage in a fight, but rest assured it is not. Pushing someone is, after all, a classic schoolyard bully move, but it doesn’t hurt much more than feelings, and the bulk of technique in sumo is what typically precedes a fight, rather than solving it. Strip away the intriguing rituals and you’re basically watching professional eaters in a shoving contest. Sumo fighters are basically rock stars that get to perform for less than a minute, but when it comes to actual fighting, they are more like air guitar performers – less about actual talent and more about amusing spectacle. With obesity being a prerequisite, sumo is probably the one martial art that doesn’t sell people on healthy living and self-esteem boosts. donned its all-purpose black belt and tracked down the five least effective martial arts. So in the world of McDojo’s, how do you know what’s legit? Not everyone is offering that UFC stuff: boxing, kickboxing, Muay Thai, wrestling, judo, jiu-jitsu (otherwise known as the legitimate arts). Many of them offer some cultural mysticism from exotic lands, promoting supposedly lethal self-defense techniques – now available to kids! – for the low, low price of half this week’s paycheck. There are more martial arts schools in America than there are 7-Elevens.

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